| S H A M E F U L <3 |
[Apr. 27th, 2006|11:44 pm] |
Amanda broke up with me.
I took it really hard last night. My mom couldn't get
me to stop crying. But eventually I got too tired
to even cry so I fell asleep.
I have to admit, it still hurts more than ever,
but I can't do it anymore. She said I'm strong
and I'll get over things. And she's partly right.
I'll get over things, but i'm not strong. AT ALL.
That's why I'm just giving up and moving on.
With everyone else helping me along the way, I'm sure
I'll be able to do it. Moving on doesn't mean getting
over all the feelings I have for her. It means understanding
she doesn't feel it anymore and learning to live with it.
I could never get over all those feelings, cause they'll never
go away. But I need to give up. She's happy, and I'm happy
for her. And I honestly do hope that Alex can give her everything
I couldnt. I just want him to treat her good, that's all I ask.
She's an amazing person, and she deserves at least that.
And Amanda, I know you'll read this. So I'm sorry for every
ounce of pain i've ever caused you. Every tear i made
you cry, and for getting you mad at me all those times.
I don't want us to stop talking, cause I could never
live with myself if we did. Best friends is more than enough
if thats what you're willing to give me. I'll take
it over nothing anyday. Goodluck with Alex. Honestly.
I'll always be here no matter what anyone says.
And remember, do things for yourself
not for anyone else. You wont get anywhere in life if
you dont do anything for yourself.
And most of all, dont forget anything we've gone through.
Please. |
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| 7 days |
[Apr. 25th, 2006|10:14 pm] |
I stayed out of school again today.
And I think I'm staying out tomorrow to help my mom with
my grandmother. She's going to the doctors.
I woke up to Amanda calling me around like 12:15ish.
You don't know how amazing it was to hear her voice.
I haven't heard it in 2 days and it's driving me insane.
I miss her like crazy.
I don't know why but it feels like somethings wrong though.
We've barely talked the past two days.
I want to see her tomorrow, but I think she's going to be
hanging out with Delayna. So I guess I'll just have
to wait to see her on Thursday.
GAH!
7 More days until our 3 months baby.
I love you more and more every day. |
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| worst morning ever. |
[Apr. 24th, 2006|08:13 am] |
Woke up and had messages from Amanda.
Turns out they werent good and we got into another fight..
because of me.
I need her to believe me though.
I'll find a way to prove it to her.
I swear I will.
She went to school. And I was just about to.
Went to walk out my door and passed out.
And I feel like complete shit right now.
Not going to school, cant stand
or I get dizzy. |
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| Hey I'm Grumpy |
[Apr. 23rd, 2006|03:22 pm] |
So yesterday Amanda and I got into a pretty big fight about weed.
And it got to the point where she wouldn't talk to me and I didn't dare say
anything to her about it. So I got all quiet then she told me to stop acting that
way because it was really starting to piss her off. So I did.
We came back to my house,(me, her and dave.)and sat around my room on our laptops.
Then she showed me her MySpace Husband. He's this kid named Alex that
she just met a little while ago on there. And I kind of got mad because I saw it
in her away message, and I saw him on her MySpace. But that's not the worst thing...
It said "<3 Amanda Nightingale 4/22/06" In his profile. Gah I hate being
jealous but that gets to me when some guy has my girlfriend in his profile
along with a date, it scares me. Not because I think she's going behind my back,
because if she was she wouldn't have said anything about it, but because most
guys don't care if girls have a bf or whatever they'll go after them anyway.
And i'm afraid that's what he's going to do... or is trying to do.
I love you so much baby, and im sorry if I've been getting
pissed off over stupid things. |
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| Overall, a really bad day. |
[Apr. 10th, 2006|09:26 pm] |
|
So today I had to present in World History about the Battle of Britain.
It was really dumb, and I think I did a really bad job.
School sucked so much today.
It was the most boring day of all time.
I really miss Amanda.
We just got done hanging out but ah..
I gave her a face just kidding around, and she took it seriously.
So she got mad and moved away from me.
Once again my heart dropped. I hate when she gets mad at me.
I can't stand it for the life of me.
I always think i'm going to lose her if I get her mad at me enough times.
That's why I kind of haven't talked much since then.
But not talking doesn't do anything but make her think I hate her.
Which I definitely don't. I could never hate that girl.
Agh, =[ I'm sorry Amanda.
But I'm going to go now, I can't stand the mood i'm in.
Someone fix it. =/
I love you more than anything in the world Amanda.
You honestly have no idea.
I'm so scared of losing you.
You're the best thing that's ever happened to me.
I love you. |
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| im so in love with you |
[Apr. 9th, 2006|10:56 pm] |
This weekend amanda came over. And it was absolutely amazing because I've missed her so much
this past week. I hate not being able to see her.
We pretty much hung out around my house on friday. Molly called and got her
pissed off. Which i dont care about becuase Molly deserves it.
Saturday I got mad over stupid shit that I shouldnt care about.
Because I know about everything and it shouldnt phase me.
And today we hung out around my house again.
We played basketball with dave up at the park.
Amanda and him did a ritual on me when i was laying on the slide.
So many people were staring at us as they drove by.
Made me feel like a complete douche bag.
But its okay because it was funny.
Amanda went home really early because her dad wanted her to.
And I miss her like crazy.
I wrote a blog on my space about her and cried because i love her so much.
Its so amazing though...all weekend i couldnt take my eyes off of her.
I cant wait till it can be like this for the rest of our lives.
And when we wont have to hide shit.
But until then, i'm definitely satisfied with the way things are.
Amanda Lynn I love you so much baby.
You mean the world to me and i swear you always will.
I'll do anything and everything for you
that I possibly can and you know that.
Please dont ever give up on me. I dont know
what i'd do without you baby. I love you!!!<3 |
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| Yeah.. |
[Apr. 4th, 2006|04:02 pm] |
Yeah so today I went to school and during first block Amanda called me and told me she got sick again.
So all day I was really worried about her.
Then she called right after third block ended and said she was still going to Saco House.
And I was so excited to see her. But.. When I got to Saco House her dad called my cell phone,
and told me I wouldn't be seeing her for a while and my heart dropped.
When she got to Saco House he took Amanda with him. When she got home I talked to her on AIM while
I was still at Saco House. And she told me somethings that made me want to bawl my eyes out.
And I almost did but everyone was around so I tried to stop myself. She's grounded... for 1 week, maybe 2.
This fucking sucks! I miss her already and I wont see her for a while now. ='[
ERRR I HATE PEOPLE.
But im going to the park to just.. idk. I'll be back.
Baby I love you so much. I hope your dad changes his mind because I really want to see you.
I miss you sooooooooo much. <3333 |
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| My Baby<33333333333333333333333333 |
[Mar. 27th, 2006|05:41 am] |
Today after school I get to see my baby. And I can't wait because I miss her like hell, even though it hasnt even been a full day since i've seen her. School's going to suck, got dr.fucking roper today.GAH.Bye.
Amanda Lynn I love you more than anything in the whole world baby.:-*<33333333333333333 |
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| S N A K E B I T E S <3 |
[Mar. 25th, 2006|11:01 pm] |
So today I got snake bites. And I think it looks pretty good other than the fact that one ring is bigger than the other and one is more silver looking. Oh well. I'll just have to wait till it heals so i can put in a new ring. =]
I'm with amanda <3 so im going to go.
buhbye.
oh.
ps- comment my pictures on myspace |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 23rd, 2006|09:55 pm] |
Okay so, basically Amanda is the greatest thing to ever happen to me.
And it takes the stupidest little things to make me realize that even more than I already have.
Like, the other night we got in a little fight about me being on my laptop insted of being near her.
And she got really mad and wouldn't talk to me.My heart sank as soon as I figured out she was mad.
The slightest things make me think I'm going to lose her when she's mad at me.
Not to mention last night my friend Melissa left me a comment on MySpace
saying I was hott or w.e and she got all mad. Even though Melissa is straight and lives n FL, she still got
mad. And later on that night she set her(Melissa) picture as my desktop background and said something
like, "Hey it's your girlfriend!" Basically that made me feel like complete shit because she was implying
that I was cheating on her. And god knows that's the last thing I would EVER do to that girl. She's the
most amazing girl in the entire world and I swear to god on everything I am/have that one day I will
marry her. I don't care what it takes or how much shit I have to go through to make it happen. I am going
to be with her for the rest of my life. There is no one out there that could possibly be as perfect with me
as she is. I'm so in love with this girl, no one has any idea how much I mean that. I guess it's just the way
she giggles after she kisses me, and the way we can talk about anything and understand exactly what each-
other is saying. Or the way we can see eachother every single day of every week and still say "I'm going
to miss you" when we find out we aren't going to see eachother for one day. Everything she does makes
me fall in love with her more. But at the same time, it scares me to death. After all the shit we've been
through, things are finally going the way we want them to. And I know she loves me, I don't doubt it for
a second, but I'm so afraid of other people getting in the way again. If I ever lost her because of someone
else I wouldn't know what to do with myself. The thought of someone else better than I am coming along
and taking my place in her heart kills me. It's taking us so long to get to where we are now. And it would
tear me apart to have someone come along and take away what I've worked so hard to get. |
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| Blah |
[Mar. 22nd, 2006|08:49 pm] |
Well, tonight I got in a little fight with Amanda.
My friend Melissa from FL left me a comment on my picture on MySpace
and Amanda saw it and told me I was cheating on her.
I dont know if she was kidding or not.
But knowing me I took it seriously when she said it and got mad.
By the time she had to go home I had gotten over it.
But then she changed my desktop to a picture of Melissa insted of it being her.
So I got upset again.
We went to go downstairs and she went to kiss me and I just gave her a look.
So she walked off.
Didnt talk in the car for like 10 minutes until she pulled on my seatbelt
and I looked back and it looked like she was crying so I grabbed her hand and held onto it.
I told her I was sorry and that I loved her and everythign was okay again.
Thank god.
I love you Amanda Lynn. NO ONE else. Only you baby.
I will never cheat on you. Ever. |
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| You started it! ;] |
[Feb. 8th, 2006|10:14 pm] |
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I LOVE AMANDA LYNN MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THIS WORLD.♥ |
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| I'll follow you into the dark. |
[Feb. 6th, 2006|07:52 pm] |
First Of all: Avenged Sevenfold concert was AMAZING.
Friday</b>-Was really bored after school. So I went to catherines house around
7:30ish. We went up to Katie's house and she showed us some of her baby
clothes. They are so adorable. <3
After Katie, Catherine and I went back to Cathy's house.
Around 9:15ish my mom came and got me and Kate. We went back up to my house
and watched a movie. Eventually we fell asleep.
Saturday-Me and Kate woke up and got a call from LexX.
We told her we were going to Biddo and that we should hang out.
So we took showers and aunt Christine came up to get us.
We went to Kate's house so she could change and stuff then we walked to LexX's.
kate's little sister Kayla wanted us to go see 'When A Stranger Calls' with her.
So they all came up with a bunch of money for us and we went.
Amanda ended up coming over to the theater like half way through it.
She didn't pay or anything she just came in lol.
It made me happy to see her.
Aunt Christine picked us all up after and we went to my house.
We watched Seed Of Chucky and went for a walk after.
(well Amanda and I did.)
Came back and I put in the movie Hostage. But none of us really watched it.
Amanda and I went downstairs to get food.
Came back upstiars for a while.
But then I kept going back into my livingroom to lay on my couch.
For some reason I didnt want to be upstairs.
The last time I went in the livingroom though I ended up falling asleep.
Amanda came down and woke me up.
We came upstairs and Katie and LexX were on my bed.
So Amanda asked me if I wanted to go sleep up on the top bunk. =]
So we ended up sleeping up there.
I love falling asleep with her next to me.
She's so fucking beautiful.
Sunday-Woke up and Amanda's mom came and got her not to long after.=[
Called Kate's mom to see if she could come get us.
Went to Kate's house and Amanda came over to hang out with us.
We walked to LexX's house. But Amanda, Kate and I went back to Kate's to get food.
Played Clue and Sorry while we were there.
Christine made chicken nuggets and stuff it was so good.
Around like 6:30ish mom came and got me Kate and Amanda.
Dropped Amanda off and then me and Kate went back to my house.
Today-Woke up, watched Finding Nemo.
Just as it got done Amanda called. =]
After I got off the phone with her I took a shower and then Kate did.
Chip came and got us and we went back to their house.
Around 2:00 we went to Kate's ortho appointment.
Amanda met us there and then she came back to Kate's house with us.
=]Hung out with her and Katie till about 5:00ish.
Mom picked up me and Amanda and brought her to her mom's.
Then I came home.
Amanda Lynn I love you more than life itself baby.♥♥♥ |
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| I'll never let another chick bring me down in a relationship, save it bitch! |
[Jan. 30th, 2006|09:30 pm] |
Saturday- Woke up and hung out with Kate and David.
Not to long after Katie called. Her and Ryan got in a fight.
So Her, Kate, David and I went to the mall.
Mom came to pick us up afterwards then we came to my house.
I got mad at David shortly after we got home.
So I walked out and went for a walk.
I got even more mad when I was gone for an hour and no one looked for me.
But I came home and layed in the middle of the driveway.
About 5 minutes later Katie came out and talked to me.
I love momma, she's the greatest.
So fuck you.
That night Kate and Katie slept over.
Sunday- Woke up and playing Sims 2 on my DS.
David came over around 10:00ish.
Aunt Christine called momma around 12:30ish?
She came up to get her and I ended up going with them.
Well, David and I did.
We dropped Kate off at her house and then went to Katies.
We watched Darkness Falls.
And its really not scarey but for some reason at the beginning of it
I screamed really loud and scared the kitty out of the room.
I swear to god it felt like I was going to fall out of the window.
After that we ate chicken tacos and played Clue.
We all suck at that game... but momma's a cheater!
Today- Woke up and went to school.
Found out Nathan was sick and talked to Kyle and David.
Went to advisory shortly after.
1st block study hall sucks now.
It's only Gage, Amber, Kelcey, Brad and me now.
Fucking sucks.
2nd block was alright. I got to talk to Kass.
3rd block was boring.
I got to play with clay for a little while.
Then during D lunch I told Mr.Handright I was going to guidance
But went to lunch instead.
Found out Midgets grandmother isnt doing to good.
It made me want to cry when I heard her voice.
=[ Wish me and Alysia could help.
4th block sucked too.
To Kill A Mockingbird is the stupidest book on earth.
And Mr.Koch is making us read it.
Fucker.
TOMORROW IS THE AVENGED SEVENFOLD CONCERT W/ KASS & PAIGE!!
R.I.P Christopher Lukas Michaels January 30th, 2005. |
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| BITCH you make me HURL |
[Jan. 27th, 2006|11:04 pm] |
Got to school and saw David. =]
Hung around with him and Trashley.
She gave me a pink letter today =] and I liked it.
1st block was fun. Me and Nathan sat on the floor and watched my cell spin in circles.
STONEEEEEEEEEEERS. Not!
2nd block was fun. World History is great with Indy.
He's hilarious.
3rd block study hall was alright.
Went to lunch and sat with Ashley, Trashley and Davey-poo.
Went back to study hall.
4th block had a party in webdesign.
After school hung out with David, Kate, Trashley and Annika.
Came home with David and Kate and hung out with them.
We all had a cry fest(except me) and I felt really bad.
Then we took a walk to David's house and hung out on his street.
We all had a long talk. It was good =]
Now me and Kate are sitting here talking.
And singing "THERE SHE GOES. SHAKING THAT ASS ON THE FLOOR. BUMPING AND GRINDING AND OH!"
So im going to leave now.
But yeah.
BYEEEEEEEEEEEEE! |
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| TACOOO BELL! |
[Jan. 25th, 2006|06:04 pm] |
Woke up this morning around 6:30.(Yes, I was late.)
Went to school and said hi to everyone.
1st block with Ms. LaPierre sucked, like always.
But Hey! the bitch is gone in like..2 days.
2nd block was funny.
Mr. Indorf is the fucking shit. =]
3rd block study hall was good.
Went to lunch like 10 minutes later.
Got a letter from Ashley =]
It made my day.
Went back into study hall and wrote one back.
Then followed Alysia to the Cafe to give it to Ashley.
The rest of study hall sucked.
We had a snowball fight outside of the lecture hall doors.
=] Kyle hit me with a snowball so I chased him.
4th block sucked. The project was due monday...but I wasnt there.
And I'm not done it yet so I worked on it more.
After school I hung out with David =].
Kate, David, Delayna and I walked to TACO BELL!
Kate's Dr.Pepper spilt in her bag and it got all over the floor.
And then after I got my food I spilt my drink.
It feel off the table and the cup opened when it hit the floor.
HUGE MESS!
Uhm, after we walked back to TA and hung out.
And now David and I are hanging out like always.<3
But you see...
He is better than all of you, because he made me a beautiful tape ring.
And it actually has diamonds in it! =]
Its amazing<33333333
Tah tah for now LOSERS! =P |
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| Buried A Lie |
[Jan. 24th, 2006|10:38 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sore | ] |
| [ | music |
| | American Death - Senses Fail | ] |
My mom and I have been fighting all weekend.
She basically told me to go live with my sister for a while.
And to be quite honest, I'm thinking about it.
Not because I want to run away from my problems...
But because I think I need time away from here. I'm ALWAYS here.
My step dad is a little bitch and should die.
I'll help if at all possible.
Monday- Mom was still pissed at me.
Kristy got here around 1:30 or so. We hung around for a while.
Then she tried bleeching the red out of my hair. Didn't work.
Later on mom got really mad again.
Mainly because of me, but she ended up giving everyone dirty looks.
Kristy almost fell down my cellar stairs.
We went to Old Country Buffet. Yummmmmm.
Came home and dyed my hair back to black...
And thats when mom stopped talking to me.
Today- Woke up at 5:50 to mom slapping my face.
Not in a bad way but it was hard enough to hurt.
It got me mad because we werent talking and then she goes and does that.
So she just left without saying bye.
Went to school and could barely walk. My foot is fucked up.
Like the bone is popping out of the side of it.
And it hurts so bad when I walk.
School pretty much sucked.
Then I met up with Trashley outside and walked to Saco House.
We were greated by Amanda when we got there.
I gave her cigarettes and went out back with her to smoke.
(Along with Ariel, Chyanna and Trashley)
Went back inside and things got shitty.
MY FAULT not YOURS.
Left saco house around 5:00.
Dropped Trashley off at Thornton.
Came back home and hung out with David and Kate.
Around 8:30 we brought them home.
Now my foot is fucking KILLING me again.
So I'm going to take something for it and go to bed.
G'night folks.
NOTE: To everyone who thinks I'm smoking again.
I'm NOT.
I made a promise to a couple good friends that I wouldn't.
And they are two people I have a lot of respect for.
So please don't think I do.
That promise is like gold;; It's worth EVERYTHING. |
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| When the shadows beam, misery remains. |
[Jan. 22nd, 2006|10:10 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | crappy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Friends In Fall River - Silverstein | ] |
Forever And A Day
By Silverstein
I thought we'd be together forever. But it
seems I was wrong and everything has fall-
en apart. Think of what I've done for you.
Think of all that we've been through. I hope
everytime he breaks your heart, you think
of me and how I was to you. Everything has
fallen apart. One day you'll see just how
good I was. And I thought that we'd be
together f o r e v e r
Last Days of Summer
By Silverstein
The bright light beams from her eyes
like broken glass. Or a broken heart,
who would have guessed? You'd leave
me here. Beneath my eyes I feel the
tears, I hold back. I won't leave this
way again. As my legs start to shake,
I feel nothing. I wanted you, I needed
you, but you weren't there for me this
time. I won't leave this way again. You
that I loved, that I needed. You weren't
there. Not this time. What can I do?
I was supposed to help you. I cannot
feel. Last breath I feel, warm air intake.
I won't leave this way. Lost it all for you.
When the shadows beam, misery
remains. I won't leave this time.
As much as it hurts to just sit here and wait knowing that there is a good chance you won't come back this time...I'm doing my best to hold on. Just don't think that you have a right to do this because you know I won't go anywhere. That's only because I love you too much to give up. And I won't until you tell me to. Right now I'm just waiting. |
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| Kill me |
[Jan. 18th, 2006|07:41 pm] |
I can't do this again..
Nothing has happened yet, and already it's destroying me.
There isn't one moment I don't think about it.
It's constantly on my mind.
I don't know what to do right now.
Someone save me
I love you sooooo much Amanda :-* |
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